Fading Away
by Subtlynice
Summary: This is a fanfic based on The Host by Stephenie Meyer. Quite a few times during The Host, Mel seems to fade away, due to the lack of action or danger to keep her mind occupied. Where does she go?


**A/N:** I'm re-reading The Host right now, and this scene struck me with inspiration. I really wanted to write it from Mel's point of view, so there you go. It's quite short, but I hope you enjoy it.

**Disclaimer:** The Host and all characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. I'm just messing around with them.

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Fading Away

It's late. Or maybe the shade is because Wanda has closed my eyes. Either way, it's dark.

I'm drifting. I'm not sure where to. I'm not even sure how. Without a body, how can you drift? How can you move without a body to propel yourself forward?

_No._ I tell myself weakly. _I _do_ still have a body. It's just being… borrowed._

It's not something I like to think about much. When I do think about it I like to block Wanda out. I don't want her to feel guilty. She is a good person, I know that now. She didn't ask for this life anymore than I chose mine. And she is good and true. The humans here have betrayed her, lied to her. She sits in this darkness and mourns. I tried to mourn too, to comfort her. But I don't think she hears me now.

I'm so tired. I feel lethargic, but I've given up wondering how that is possible. I don't have a body _to_ feel lethargic. Just a presence; a consciousness clinging onto life. I wonder what would happen if I tried to stop clinging. If I just let go. Would it be any easier?

Flickers float through the dark now and then. Jamie. Jared. Ian. Jeb. None of them affect my current state. They are happy here, so there is no need for me to move. I can relax. I can drift and dream.

Dreaming used to be such a bore to me. When I was a child I would stay up late and wake up early, always wanting to be on the move, stretching my legs and making the most of my athletic body. Now, without a body I have learnt the joys of dreaming. Of relaxing completely and letting my mind wander. Strangely enough, I've learnt patience here. I don't even care that Wanda has locked me away while she mourns. I'm not even sure how long I've been locked up. It mattered at first. I felt hurt; betrayed.

Now, I feel peaceful. What does it matter anyway? Jamie is happy. Jared is happy. And I can rest. I can let go.

So I do.

I feel around the bars of my cage, where she has trapped me.

And I let them go. I can't sense them anymore. They are gone. And I am free to embrace the nothingness around me.

It is dark. So very dark. Or is it light? I am alone. None of this scares me. I don't feel any emotions at all. It's just… nothing. Not peaceful, but not rowdy. Not dark but not light. Neither. Nothing.

I don't know how long it has been. I don't care. My nothingness is my freedom. It is nothing compared to life, but it is not as bad as I imagined death to be, either.

Through the nothingness comes a voice, a voice that I would respond to before any other- the only voice I would be willing to leave this freedom for.

"Melanie Stryder! You will _not_ leave me. Don't you love me? Prove it! _Prove it!_ Damn it Mel! Get back here!"

_Ahhh,_ I moan, feeling the memory of the black nothingness leaving my mind. It was too dark to remember it now I was back.

_Jared?_ I ask, but my mouth doesn't respond. It is still in Wanderer's power and she seems to be using it at the moment. She controls my hands too, and I feel muscles, a familiar torso beneath my palms.

_What? Where_...I whisper brokenly. I want to return to my nothingness. This is all too much at once. My senses are brutally attacking me, clawing their way through my mind and ensnaring my thoughts, much like Wanderer had trapped my body.

And suddenly my senses pick up on what she is doing. What _Jared_ is doing.

_Jared! Jared! NO!_

Rage flies up; more emotion than I have felt in a long time breaks free and I make no move to repress it. This is powerful, this is human and I embrace the anger gleefully, taking advantage of the strength it gives me.

And through my rage, I can feel. I have a body again. It is completely my own and it is currently involved in one of my favourite pastimes: kissing Jared. But Jared, much to my horror, isn't kissing _me_.

"NO!" I shout again, but this time I _feel_ it. I break through Wanda's walls and open my mouth in a screech, shoving at the body holding me and releasing myself. I am _me_, my body is _mine_ and I want to have it all to myself.

Jared clutches at me again, and I try to yank myself away.

"Mel? Mel!"

_Of course it's me, you prat. Do you think Wanda would be this angry if you started making out with her?_

"What are you _doing_?" I hiss at him. Betrayal stings in my eyes and swims down my cheeks; tears are crawling down his face too, but in love instead of hate. And I hate to admit it, but the love in his eyes is slowly crumbling my resolve to dust.

"I knew you could do it! Ah, Mel!" He sighs, before kissing me once more, crushing me against him in his exuberance. But I am still angry. I bite down on his lip, hard.

He staggers back, surprised as I look down at him. No, wait… _we_ look down at him.

I am not alone.

Wanda is still here. And I am just as trapped as before.

I crumble as he laughs in delight. But my body does not move with me.

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**A/N:** Please review!


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